For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:10 

I have my good days, and I have my bad days. More often, I have my bad days. Overanalysing, doubting myself, second guessing decisions in my life. The question why, was the most frequent question I’d ask myself, day in day out. Over every single situation, no matter how big or small it even was. My tough exterior was just a shell, for when I was alone, I felt more alone than ever. I lost so much, within the space of a year, and self pity and exaggerating the situations in my head to make sense of my depression seemed the only way to make myself understand how I thought I really felt. But I realised.. I’m in charge of my own decisions. My own choices, my own emotions, my own anger. I chose to let people define how I felt and what choices I made, and it was time I chose to make those decisions myself. It’s okay to break down, but only if I understood that I wasn’t in this alone, for Christ was wiping my tears with his sleeve. 
But things change you know, time takes over and you realise in a split second everything the world has moved on. Wallowing in your own self pity isn’t going to do you any good or win you any favours in life. I can choose to be frail in my pain, or be strong in my weaknesses. 

One - Its been a crazy week. Not exactly crazy in the way that I’m super busy, because to be quite honest, I’ve had a really quiet chilled weekend. It’s just been that one weekend where I’ve decided to take my life in my own hands, and stop with the self doubt. So I decided first, to deactivate Facebook. Probably the smartest decision I’ve made in a while, and as small as the deal is to some people, it’s a huge deal to me. My social life is on that damn thing. My friends from all different places, uni, work, parties, events, invitations, gossip, drama.. and thats where I knew I needed to take a break. I missed reality.
So I deactivated it, a week ago. As tough as my exterior is, I’m a giant ball of cotton candy inside. One post on my newsfeed from an ex boyfriend could ruin my mood for the rest of the day. Hearing about my friends weekends that involve sex, drugs and excessive drinking makes me feel a knot inside my stomach. A knot because to an extent I miss that. But also I know I could never go back to that life, because I don’t agree to making myself look like an ass all the time. And time. My time spent wasted on that thing was like the clock was on overdrive, 5 hrs could go by and I’d have 10 different windows open with barely a paragraph written on my report about Zara. I’ve lived without technology at a slip of my fingers for the first half of my life, so I’m sure a short break from Facebook is as easy as taking candy from a baby. Which basically means it looks easily but really its heartbreaking. No, but in all seriousness, I’ve done pretty well with leaving procrastination behind and actually being productive with my time. 

I started feeling adventurous so a few days later I rocked up to the hairdressers and literally 10 minutes later left with hair half the length it was. Every haircut I’ve had I’ve never been happy with, but this one, I’ve never been more happy. Its easy to maintain and its so healthy. Far be it for you to have read up to this bit where I’m blabbing about my hair but you’ve made it this far, so congratulations.
Keep reading, cause this is where I grow a pair of balls.

So friday night I walk into youth and realise, ‘You either have to talk to Benj tonight, or you go home and never come back to this youth’. God’s voice spoke loud and clear, so that night I spoke to Benj and Rose, and left with the stunned feeling of actually stepping up beyond my self doubt and also the title of a Youth Leader.
Being proud of myself sounds a little ridiculous, but I really am. I have a testimony to tell, and I can only hope my life before all of this can help shed some light into a teen whose struggling through the same problems I was going through. Also, this week was about courage and determination, and I pulled through and am leaving the last 24 hours of the week with the feeling of happiness. Genuine, complete and utter happiness. 

Two - So I had something else I was wanting to vent, a few things actually, but I might leave that for tomorrow night or so. Writing out One left me feeling content, and I want to wake up tomorrow with a positive attitude to the morning, such as, ‘Thankyou God for even the most insignificant things in my life such as my toes’, rather then, ‘Screw the world for another day’. 
Thats about it, so.. this post will end with this full stop. 

The problem with being attracted to someone is that it shows your vulnerability. It feels like the world is over when someone else has control of your feelings and they don’t even know it. Knowing someone else can affect you in ways you never thought they could is like being dunked into a tub full of ice, with no way of pulling yourself out. Even worse, when they find out and the feelings aren’t returned.. it’s like your being held down in that tub of ice, head first. But little things they say here and there makes you think your not entirely alone in this lala land of yours playing in your head. 
It makes me question myself on reasons why I’m afraid to feel weak. Since when did a slight attraction become such a big deal to me? 
Call him, not to call him. My fingers been over the call button for a while now, but I know I’m just missing the late night conversations I used to have, and this may all just add to the overwhelming feeling of overanalysing a simple situation in my head. 

I’ve had the most amazing week. 
Life is so different these days. A year ago, I was a messed up, selfish teenager, wallowing deep in her own web of complicated situations I either created myself, or walked into knowing the consequences. 
My 19th birthday was a week ago. My 18th birthday was a year and a week ago. A year and a week ago, my birthday weekend consisted of a house full of intoxicated teenagers, half unaware of what was going on around them, and the other half passed out on the lawn. The following night was spending a few hundred dollars on multiple taxi’s and 4 different clubs, only to remember being thrown over my best friends shoulder after stumbling down the street in my 12 inch heels, seeing multiple versions of the street ahead of me. 
The week that just passed? I have to admit, a sober birthday, wasn’t anything I’d ever imagine myself doing if I was to see into the future as an 18 year old. 
A small intimate gathering with a few of the people that helped me realise my happiness was right in front of me, my grandma arriving home from NZ the very same night, a cruisy but crazy week of uni and work, becoming closer to the girls after probably the most fun night I’ve had in the longest time, and to end the weekend with coming home to my brother telling me his girlfriend had a time frame of 14 hours between contractions and giving birth. 
Happiness, is right in front of me. I have all that I’ve ever needed, but it was also all that I was searching for for the last 18 years of my life. 
Allowing myself to fall into the grace of God’s arms, throwing all that I had left of me into faith and trust, and knowing that in his time, I would walk away from all of my problems with my head head high as a soldier of his. The deeper my problems, the deeper I’d push myself into his unending love. 
Forgiveness is still something I’m working on. I find myself disappointed so easily, and although my walls are thick, every time I am disappointed, I can see the wall cracking ever so slightly.
I’m almost there. The change I see in me is so clear. Writing, journaling.. It helps to remind myself of who I was, and how far I’ve come, and who I’m about to become. I’ve got high expectations of myself, but thats not to discourage myself in anyway, but to help me understand the difference between second best and what I deserve.